notes from my phone: dreams, distractions, being a burden
6 paragraphs that do not belong together; whatsapp conversations turning into dreams, internet girls, and remembering everything is better when I am around
Our dreams were created in whatsapp conversations, youtube clips, links, phone calls, missing each other, spending time together, spending time apart, dreaming about more time together when being together, carrying luggage, seeing friends, running, eating, sleeping together, his head on my pillow, what does the future hold for us? We shared words, words that would turn into sentences and dreams and plans and ideas, and consequently, they would be words that might change the direction of our lives.
Dream louder, dream more. We don’t have to fulfill all our dreams, the experience is still yours to keep forever. Some dreams might be left on read, but it doesn’t mean you never read the words, it doesn’t mean you never felt the words and what they tasted like. Open the message, read the words, live through the experience in your mind. What does your dream taste like? How does it feel?
***
She had already been on the island so many times; clicking, scrolling, saving locations on google maps. Street view, pictures, recommendations, strangers’ ig photos. She had already been there and lived through the experience in her mind. There was not much room for anything unexpected.
***
Internet told me there is a right way to consume, I mean everything
movies news clothes trips what good taste looks like
what kind of tables to buy and what words to use
and so the internet is also used to become someone else
it allows you to wear
someone else’s skin
***
I can’t turn down the volume of my distractions and my fears, they keep playing so loudly in my brain. When I finally manage to turn them down, everything goes silent and I wonder where they went. What happened to my life? It all went so quiet. Distractions keep me from doing what I need to do but they are also the things that make up a life. All these things. Distractions. But I actually like doing all those things. When do I intervene and when do I let them roam free?
***
I remember my parents helping me move once when I was 19. I was nauseous with guilt for taking up 5 hours of their day, I was so nauseous I could not eat for hours. My entire existence and the burden I had placed on them made me feel really, really ill. When they left after a few hours, I just fell to the floor and I was like, fuck, I really, really hate myself. How will I ever stop hating this person? I avoided their texts and calls for 2 weeks to recover. I had to disappear to feel valuable again. That really hurts today because I know the value is in my presence, not in my absence and withdrawal.
***
It was never about the specific activity, place, job, idea, lifestyle, or whatever you use as ingredients to construct your narrative, no, it was never about those things and always about the act of moving, changing, and seeing something new for the sake of newness. You are not searching for that perfect thing; you seek newness. All the time. That's ok. You are not searching for that perfect thing, so stop looking. You don’t even know what you want yet.