Becoming friends with my anxiety liberated me, but I’ve also experienced many side effects that felt inherently uncomfortable. I always went for walks because nature was the only thing that could set me free. I felt such strong emotions when I walked through the grass with my bare feet, when I felt the evening sun on my shoulders, breathing air, and listening to silence. It was insanely cool to be able to feel beauty, physically, in my body, like a drug kicking in. It was insanely cool to think I can create pure feelings of joy based on almost nothing but air. Now I realize that perhaps anxiety was the main ingredient in this beautiful, intense feeling. I am less anxious now, but I also feel less. The beauty does not strike me in the same way because I don’t experience the same contrasts anymore - going from anxious to normal and experiencing nature without the blocker felt… euphoric. Going from great to great feels less than going from anxious to normal.
My friend used to date really toxic guys because that’s everything she knew about love. It was always high highs, and low lows, her idea of love was so messed up, as it is for many of us, and she couldn’t see how love could exist without this mess. Her therapist tried to fix her, and ultimately my friend started to date the guys she had previously labeled as boring because they didn’t come with the full toxic package deal. She is in a stable relationship now living off love that can last longer and more sustainably than the other, but she also experiences less intensity.
I was addicted to work for a while, and I worked hard to get rid of the addiction, but the hard truth is work became less fun. An unhealthy attachment to it gave it more meaning. Sure, I skipped dinners with friends and family, but every task felt important. Learning to take yourself less seriously is good but also devalues your experiences. Better if looking at my life from a more holistic point of view, but worse for this specific component. And this component has meaning too, just like any other piece of your puzzle.
Fixing your things, getting rid of your anxiety, healing your wounds, seeing different sides of every situation, and judging less, all inherently good things, as much as anything can be thought of as good or bad, sure, but we are also getting older. Everything becomes grey, no one is black and white anymore, no one is right, no one is wrong. It sure feels better to fix your shit, but sometimes it feels so damn good to let your stupid fucking issues roam free and eat the leftovers from your parents’ trauma, just for the sake of feeling the power of being alive and living in a body managed by a complex nervous system.