fear, empty brains, and moving boxes full of dreams

random notes from my phone

fear

I didn't feel fear for my physical safety until I was 22. I would hitch hike, couchsurf, walk alone at night in Caracas and Buenos Aires. I would say hi back to all the boys with big dark eyes without first planning an exit strategy. When the buses stopped going at night, I would walk through dark forests while listening to music. My keys would be in the bottom of my bag, and I wouldn't look for them before I got home, no, I would look for them when I arrived at my house. Maybe my brain developed a bit late, but it took me this many years to fully understand you have to be careful with everything. Everything suddenly becomes a threat when your brain can feel fear and understand the consequences. I'm in California, and I think to myself, what if I lived here and my parents would die, and it would take me 15 hours to get home? What if that Uber driver is a crazy person? What if I run out of battery in an emergency

What if

What if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if what if until you die

Was it worth it? Were you prepared?

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I saw it online

Our conversations are made up of Instagram posts and TikTok videos. You mention this thing at dinner that you thought about recently, and I know exactly where this is coming from. I remember the video; the girl had blonde hair and blue lips. Suddenly everyone knows about attachment theory and talks about their ex as an avoidant. I know about this New York restaurant with lots of paintings and yellow walls. Everyone goes there on their birthday. I don’t live in New York.

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routine

I don't like routine and need a lot of change, but when people ask me about my childhood or good memories, I often start the sentence with "we always used to"

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sure, take it all

When people ask me how my experience with that thing was, I can only describe it in one way. It was as if someone had opened the lid to my head, taken a spoon, and emptied it of everything joyful. My brain was the cup you ask for instead of a cone when you're trying to be healthy ordering ice cream, and you used your silly little plastic spoon to carve out everything in it. It felt exactly like that. Of course, people don't know how it feels to have someone empty their heads with a spoon, so even when I explain it to them, they look at me in confusion. It didn't happen slowly; it was a distinct moment right after the procedure; from one day to another, I literally could not produce anything joyful. Everything just stopped.

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it's amazing it's just not it

She raised £4M but dreams of spending her days doing art and writing stories. There are moving boxes in her brain filled with dreams and excitement, but her body is stuck in another life living another girl's dream. No one really uses the stuff they put in moving boxes, so be careful with what you put in them

what if you forget they even exist