may sometime in Amsterdam, early am hours
We should go to bed but I don’t want the day to end so we stay awake, I try to freeze time by not falling asleep; tomorrow always comes too fast, never enough time
I ask him
Please can you share some facts that live inside your brain
He tells me about food and how it works. You know, things like diets, how to reach your goals, how to lose weight, how to gain muscle, all of it. I am amazed by his knowledge, perhaps because I have never heard him talk about it before and he seems to know so much about it. But there is one thing that surprises me more than his breadth of knowledge; why did I already know everything he just told me?
Why do I know how many calories are in a gram of fat
Why do I know how many calories you should eat to lose weight
Why do I know what keto is
Blood sugar levels
Calorie restrictions
And protein powders
Why do I already know all these things
Why the fuck do I know all these things
I turn to my memories and I desperately search in my childhood chapters for answers. Did we learn it in biology class? Cooking class? Where did I pick up this knowledge, I don’t remember searching for it
Do I want this noise inside my brain? Is knowledge always helpful?
Without even remembering searching for it, I have all the information I need to become completely obsessed with food, myself, and restrictions if I would make the choice to surrender to it. If I wanted to starve myself or change my body I could just do that because I already know everything. But who told me! Internet? Society? Where did I pick it up?
I was never fully sucked into the dark, black hole that is eating disorders and skewed body image, but I was always coexisting with it, trying to keep my friends alive, away from the hole, while surrendering to the fact I could never save them from it. I was blessed to not be captured by the monster but it was always there, staring at us, all of us, looking for its next victim. Please don’t pick me, don’t pick me
Don’t pick me
We waste our brains thinking about what to eat to look good, whether he likes you in a dress or if he prefers jeans. We don’t even have to search for information, it flows to us naturally; like water and air, I am being fed instructions on what to eat, how to eat, when to eat, what makeup to buy, and what my hair should look like, and so suddenly here we are wondering why we know so much about foods and diets without having ever been on one or needed one or wanted one