at the dinner table
I’m sitting at the end of the table, quiet, listening, observing, judging, trying to judge less. I make conclusions in my head, 1, 2, 3, but I don’t actually know anything
Understanding others requires attention, attention requires effort, but we are lazy; we opt out when possible; everyone dreams about a shortcut, to money, to fame, to finding the one, to getting to know yourself and others. We prefer life in 1.5X speed but also fear time passing.
*
They make statements about how open they are but seem fearful of openness. We are all scared; no one is good at turning down the volume of their fears. So instead, we subconsciously turn up the volume to the point where our fears are so loud we get used to the noise and become numb to it. I can't hear you, the noise is too loud!
Uncertainty and not knowing makes people rigid, and so they start to form opinions that later on become part of their personality. Now you're stuck, because if what you believe and know today is who you are, how would you ever be brave enough to break down these walls and say you were wrong? They’re talking about their own openness and ability to be tolerant, but sometimes, the same people tend to be the most judgemental. They say they like learning new things but also fill all the gaps with something they already know. They say they are this and that, that this is the way to live a life, all these arbitrary rules. When the sun goes down and people go home, they're left feeling empty and frustrated at people for not behaving as they expect.
*
He made a lot of money and gave it all away. Now he can't stop talking about how little things you need in life to be happy, and that all that matters are relationships. People sit around the table in awe, wow, he got it all figured out, that's so inspiring. People seem to forget this very person spent years hating on people who said exactly this all along, calling them stupid.
He goes on to tell us all these startups are shit, they don't focus on revenue enough! All I can hear is my memory of his girlfriend saying exactly this for the past two years and him telling her she is not dreaming big enough. She sits quietly in the corner. I feel guilty for judging him, her, and them.
I hate that we lose our right to speak about many things in the presence of someone who has made money because they always perceive criticism as being envious. No one wants to argue with a defensive person because you’ll always lose.
*
She tells me about a fight with her boyfriend. I listen carefully, nod, ask questions, and try not to add my own opinion into the mix. She is anxious, ambivalent, and worried about their future. Her fears stem from their differences and outlooks on life. I want to tell her committing to someone from a different culture who is seven years older means committing to these conversations, it means committing to arguments over morals, society, values, and oh lord, society tells you that values are the most important. thing. to determine if you’re compatible or not! Of course, arguing over it will make you anxious. Remember going for something different means committing to all of it, not just the perks.
*
You tell me you can't leave your job, but you seem afraid of your own power. You're afraid of going for what you want because that means the stakes are higher, you care, what if you lose? It's ok. Don't back away from your own desires. The world is suspicious of joy but you don’t have to be. You got this.