14th of June
my birthday
my twin brother’s birthday
Donald Trump’s birthday
and
the day Albert II became the first monkey in space
I feel connected to my body but hearing a number turns that feeling upside down. The number carries more weight, nothing else matters but the number. I fall off my chair and the ball in my head starts rolling, back and forth, from one corner to the next.
We are all getting old, never younger than today. When I was 21, I went alone to Australia and lived on a horse farm without internet and I traveled to Argentina and Venezuela and lived with strangers. I cried when I saw the waterfall because I was temporarily released from the prison that is anxiety. I tell myself I am a person who goes alone to Australia to live with a family I met on Facebook. But this was 7 years ago now, I am no longer this person, I haven’t logged into Facebook in weeks and the person I was doesn’t matter anymore. No one wants to say goodbye to parts of themselves, we all want to stay relevant, we all cling on to our old narratives. You have to make your past so irrelevant and uninteresting to the point where there is absolutely nothing left that can keep you from your future. Let it go. Don’t be stuck in old narratives. Who I was is not relevant because I’ve peeled down so many layers of skin since then.
People don’t always buy the things they want or make optimal choices, we follow what is culturally interesting, make your present so interesting everything else fades into a grey mass of nothingness. What you have right in front of you is everything you need.
I wake up and days pass, logistics, admin, a strong desire to indulge in my own thoughts, but are they really my thoughts? Where is freedom if not in my own presence? We have to do all the things now, not later, stop postponing your joy, realize that things don’t have to end if you don’t want to. It’s always about the now, never wait. Wake up. Do it now. I have all the evidence I need to confirm I am doing the right thing, so what more am I looking for? I am braver now but I don’t have the time. That’s not true. I have the time, but time tastes different now. Experiences taste different. They look different, feel different, I don’t want the same things anymore and that’s liberating but also sad because it means saying goodbye to parts of my own body and mind and self. But I can’t look back.
Happy 28th
You're the coolest person ever, marika. happy birthday <3